After that last meeting, another was arranged for shortly after. Fighting back a little I put together a list of the areas I had done well in. Unfortunately my union rep couldn't be present due to prior commitments. An update was also released to another project that had been thoroughly tested. There was an issue with it in some cases that had not been found before. It is added it to a list of things to check. You are told they understand what you are saying, however they don't care. There should be no issues and you are going to cause an international embarrassment for your company. Another issue cropped up that was causing issues with several people. This was going to be a substantial piece of work to fix and your bosses disagreed on the solution. One said that no matter the size of the work involved, it should be looked into. The other said do not look into this, there are other solutions. Regardless this is your fault. If something goes wrong at a bank submitting a mortgage payment, you don't expect the bank to ask you if they should submit it. They should just do it. I wonder what happened if you had sorted out an alternative way of paying and you then have a double payment. You haven't taken ownership of this situation and this has caused concern. Interestingly both of my managers disagreed about the priority of this task with one stating that it was low priority and the other stating it was high priority.
Communication with the client had increased, however there were issues with work being completed on time. One of the checks on the system was failing and instead of fixing the problem immediately on Live, I had tested this on a Staging environment. How can I possibly be too thorough in one instance and not thorough enough in another?
At the end of the meeting, I am asked to present my views. Having prepared in advance, I hand out a copy of the good work that I have done. I should have done this a little better - instead of a list of the good work, I should have submitted a full and detailed explanation of where I had done well and the policies that were not being followed currently. I could have given it to them prior to the meeting, however based on what happened next it would have made no difference. One boss scans the list in 30 seconds and then says well looking through this, he helped people out all the time so helping people is just something that is expected. Some clients are having issues with the project so most of the list is negated. Another boss tells you that for every example of being good, he has a counter example. Human Resources asks if I felt that the Improvement Plan had been achieved. Yes, this list says that has been achieved in full. Regardless, there are some concerns and you are now being given 2 months to improve.
I started working on 2 new projects. One of the most eccentric ladies but with the best banter is the contact. I draw up a diary and realise that what is being asked is not possible with the amount of time I have. Having an 80 hour project + a 37 hour project to complete in 3 weeks and the multitude of small tasks that make up a day. Feeling a little despair, I inform my manager that I won't be able to meet the deadline. You will meet this deadline as it is unmoveable I am told. Halfway through this, an emergency happens and I spend most of the second week coordinating communications with 4 different groups of people all in different parts of the country. I manage to sort out the emergency and get back to the original work.
Before the emergency took my attention I had sent a Quote to my manager for one of the projects. Chasing it up 1 and a half weeks later, I get the reply - "What is this quote for? I stopped reading after the first line. Half an hour to do a simple task that has been done before?" I felt like I had been totally let down in communication. The reply was not only rude, it was completely unhelpful. Another issue comes in and I find a novel solution although unfortunately add two more records than I need to. I get praised for finding the solution and told off for adding two more than I should have - quite correctly. At another stage, I am in a meeting with a manager and he tells me "I don't know what you do, but I think I could do it better". Excellent I suggest, I will tail you doing my job so that I might learn how to do it better. Stop being so pedantic, it is a throwaway comment and not to be taken seriously.
I find a training course that I think would save me a lot of time in the longer term. No, this is useless a lot of it is just common sense. On another occasion, I get left finishing a task on a Friday afternoon as my manager leaves early. I discover I don't have authorisation for finishing the task and ask for assistance with no reply. Later that evening I get an email stating that I failed the task because it was meant to be finished before I left. Not a nice email to get on a Friday evening.
After all of these issues, I discover that my main project won't be possible to put live on the date the client has set as they will actually be on holiday for the week before it is due to be finished and they understandably don't want to go live on their first day back.
In a discussion with a colleague one afternoon on the way home, I discovered that he had been offered a redeployment. I decided that I would try to investigate if a similar route was available for myself but unfortunately there was no other department to go to.
My final meeting with them comes. I say that I have coped under very difficult and challenging circumstances. I was really pleased with the way I had handled the emergency. Well those circumstances wouldn't have arisen if there had been some forward planning I am told. I tell them that the client has not prioritised or scheduled time for moving a project off a failing server - a week long project. Presumably I don't schedule time to go to the toilet comes the reply. Please note if I am ever in the bathroom for a week I may have died so please call an ambulance. I am then informed that a client has complained about me but I am not allowed to know who or what they complained about in case it negatively impacts my work with them. After the meeting, Human Resources and my Trade Union rep have a chat with me and suggest that if I take a demotion then all of these plans and meetings will stop. Taking a step back at this time might be advantageous to my career. I might like to recruit a mentor using the Mentoring programme.
Pondering this, I arrange a meeting with Human Resources again and discuss the demotion. A new lady this time. I mention that I think there is a culture of bullying within the department. Alarm bells go above her head and she says that I should reconsider this statement. I tell her I don't want to pursue it currently. She tells me that if I go ahead with this then I will have a paycut of £10,000 but less responsibility and I won't have any more meetings of attack. I tell her I will consider it and I then sign up to get a mentor.
In my first mentor meeting, she asks me where do I want to be when I am 40? What are my plans and how will I achieve them? It should be my responsibility to organise training and manage my managers expectations. Maybe we all at fault in this situation?
During this time and after bottling it with one very pretty girl who made me late for hockey, I decided I wanted to learn the skills of how to properly socialise and seem more attractive to women. A few of the lessons I learn teach me the different roles you can play - either being an alpha, non judgemental and having self integrity or be weaker, try to undermine people and attack them demonstrating your low self esteem. I also learned the various uses of eye contact in different situations.
I decide to organise a meeting with my manager to find out if there is a middle ground so I lose slightly less than £10,000. I already know the answer before going in. This meeting is just to gauge his reaction and work out his game plan. No, that is what we are offering you I am told. I looked into his eyes and saw everything. I saw the fear because he didn't have a plan, the bitterness of the last few years and the anger. Looking back there was also a little bit of sadness in there too. I smiled at him, shook his hand and quietly left feeling a pleased with myself.
After this meeting, I emailed Human Resources and signed up to the demotion. This was processed and signed off. Imagine my surprise when I received a new Performance Improvement Plan for a job I wasn't doing yet. I consulted with my Trade Union rep who told me to in no circumstances sign such a thing, in fact his words were "Rip it up". Cue weekly emails asking me to sign.
One morning two weeks later I got up to go to work that day and my mind was numb. I couldn't think about going to work. I was trying to think of stupid things I could do in the house that would make me not leave. I was terrified of leaving the house. I pushed myself out the door. I recall standing underneath the bridge at Cameron Toll and making a deal with myself - if I continued feeling like this at the end of the day, I wouldn't go in tomorrow. I conveyed my deal to Human Resources, who agreed. At the end of the day I was still panicking and numb. I went to Self Defence class and calmed myself down a bit but not enough. Eventually my parents came in to get me, took me home for a whisky and to stay in the family home.
The next day I went to the doctor and told him about the last few years and that I had a meeting on Tuesday to discuss the next steps with Human Resources. He said go into the meeting and if you are feeling panicky then sign yourself off for a month. Your body is actually experiencing a natural reaction to the environment you are in. It is the fight or flight response and there is nothing you can do about it. Here are some leaflets about a course in Stress and please come back to discuss with the councillor/listening service.
At work, I do not get invited to any meeting so organise one myself with Human Resources. They tell me that even if I do not sign the Improvement Plan, I will have to sign up to something which could result in me being asked to leave in October. I hand the note over from the doctor and sign myself off for a month.
This is actually my second last post about Work Related Stress. Apologies for it being so long and thank you for taking the time to read it.
If you need any of the materials that I was given regarding Stress or Assertiveness, please get in touch.W
