My brother Ryan has written up about his experience of depression. Have a read, share, comment and think about the experience.
It was July 2014, shortly after midday and I was due to start work at 3pm. However, on this day, I really didn't want to go. Now, we all have days where we lack a bit of energy and enthusiasm. We find it a struggle to to get out of our beds, go to work, do the washing, cook the dinner etc but something about that particular summer afternoon was different, I could feel it. A sharp pain had developed around my heart area and spread around most of my whole body, ending up at my head which made me feel dizzy and nauseous. Something was wrong and I knew it. I genuinely didn't think I could go to work and contemplated phoning in but what could I say? I was scared I wouldn't be taken seriously and decided against it. Looking back, I may have experienced a panic attack, even though my actual breathing wasn't affected at the time. A family friend was decorating our house that day and looked genuinely concerned as I told him I was heading off shortly. Forcing myself to leave home around 2pm, I trudged my way on the 45 minute walk to work, passing through a nearby railway station on the way. As I walked over a bridge and caught a glimpse of a speeding train down below, I hesitated and very dark thoughts started to go through my mind. I just hated how I was feeling and the way my life was going and thought this was the only way it could be solved. I was helpless, and in a very dark place.
These feelings had been building up for some time. For a while, I felt like my life was on auto-pilot. I'd go to work Monday to Friday, do the same jobs, say the same things, see the same people, go to the football on a Saturday, hit the town at night, wake up hungover on a Sunday morning and then start it all over again the next day. This was happening over a period of months and months and months. People seemed almost reluctant to ask me what I'd been up to as the answers were so inevitable. I tried to move jobs, take up different hobbies, meet new people etc but all of these seemed to end in a dead end. I felt stuck, and the things I enjoyed were starting to wane. A pivotal moment came earlier in the summer when, with my brother and a friend, we travelled to see our childhood hero performing live on stage. Standing in the front row, literally yards away from the Hollywood legend, it should have been one of the greatest moments of my life. On the inside however, my thoughts and feelings were negative. All, I could think about was that it'll be over soon and that I'd be getting up early for work the next day. Indeed, the train journey home was even worse, my heart pounding and my demeanour silent. Something was definitely wrong with me.
What just about got me through the summer was the fact that I had a holiday in early September ( and a further one in late November). My brother and our best friend were heading abroad for a week in the sunshine and it was just what I felt I needed. As I left work for the last shift before my vacation, I had no idea at the time that it would my last shift ever for the company, I felt happy and positive, like a weight had been lifted and I could go and enjoy myself and be carefree. And for the first two days, that's just how it felt. We basked in the glorious sunshine whilst trading banter and consuming alcohol like it was going out of fashion. It felt amazing, like the feelings I'd had before were just ridiculous and I cursed myself for being a drama queen. On the third day however, I came crashing back down to Earth. As we sat at lunch, overlooking a beautiful, tranquil country park, that familiar pain came back to me, my heart rate rose and my head ached. That night I couldn't join the others as they hit the town and instead was holed up in my hotel room where I stayed awake most of the night, my head pounding and overloaded with thoughts and emotions. This pretty much continued till the end of our vacation, the thought of alcohol made me sick and the blistering heat had become a burden. It was not the holiday we'd anticipated since the turn of the year.
The evening I got back home, it was becoming ever more clearer that I wasn't right. I watched my football team score a last minute goal to win an important game and could barely muster a grin. Football was my life, something I'd always loved and been passionate about and now I didn't give it a second thought. And for the next two days after coming home, even getting out of bed and eating seemed like the hardest thing in the world. Although I knew something was wrong, I batted off concerns with the usual “I'm fine”, “Just a bit tired” clichés. Until the third or fourth day after returning home, my brother finding me lying down on the sofa at midday and impatiently demanding what was wrong. It was then that I finally said “I think I might have depression.”
Depression is something that is heard of a lot but I admit, its something I was very naïve about. I just thought it was a posh term for laziness and couldn't understand how some people could be 'depressed' despite all the things that they had in their lives. I'm talking in particular about famous celebrities who I'd read about in the past that had suffered from the illness. But I looked it up and more and more, frighteningly, the symptoms of the illness were starting to tie in with my life e.g feeling tired, unhappy all the time, losing interests in things. It advised to stay clear of alcohol as it is a depressant and would only make you feel worse. It started to make sense to me why I'd felt so bad on my holidays. I had been suffering from depression and was feeding it with a depressant at the same time, a truly lethal combination.
So after bottling everything up for some time, I just let it all out that day. I literally told everyone how I was feeling. Friends, family, work colleagues, the lot. The response was overwhelming. I learned that a lot of them had suffered from the illness at some point in their lives and their encouragement and support was a great source of comfort. It convinced me that there was light at the end of the tunnel. I booked in to see a doctor the same day and was diagnosed with a moderate depression and prescribed tablets. I was signed off work long term and encouraged to keep as active as possible, eat healthily and not succumb to sitting in my house, however hard it may seem. The challenge was set and I had to embrace it.
Unfortunately, the journey back was not to be a smooth one. Although, I spent a lot of time out the house, trying to say active, I did 99% of this alone, which gave me way too much time to think. I spent hours on end, days and nights, wandering around the towns, cities and remote areas, sometimes till the early hours in the morning. Being around people was becoming harder and harder. Instead of socialising and talking to friends, I just wanted to be alone in a dark room with the blinds closed. I went to the cinema one afternoon and literally that night I had forgotten every single thing about the movie, like I had never even watched it in the first place. The tablets were not working and I was falling ever deeper into a depressive state. The suicidal thoughts I'd flitted with in the summer had returned and the urge was becoming ever greater. All I could think about most days was ending my life and how I was going to do it. I never went down the self harm route or anything like that, I just wanted to be gone. As I crossed paths with familiar people and places, I told myself to try and cherish them as they would soon be gone forever. I had planned my ending and my time was definitely up.
I was shocked to find out recently that suicide is the biggest cause of death in men under 40 in the UK. I have been someone who has criticised suicide in the past. I believed it to be 'selfish' , especially those who have jumped in front of a train. I would sit back and wonder how they could do that and bring misery to the driver, who had to live with the consequences of what he'd witnessed. However, I can honestly say that having experienced the urge myself, you are not in a mental state to be thinking of others when you are so depressed. You just want to be gone from this world in the quickest way possible and that's the only thing on your mind, not anyone or anything else.
It was only one, extremely deep, late night conversation with a friend that finally convinced me that taking my life was not the right thing to do. They were the only person who managed to get properly into my head and make me see the bigger picture and that my life was worth living. They know who they are and I will always be eternally grateful.
I saw this a turning point and from that moment on, I put all my energy into getting better. I attended a fitness class twice a week, read as much self help books as possible and generally tried to stay active and outgoing. I forced myself to get up early and out of bed, no matter how hard it was. That's the problem with mental illness, it wants to beat you, to make you lazy and succumb to its powers. That's why you have to fight it 100% with everything you've got. I continued to do so and along with the tablets starting to take effect ( I was told it can take up to 6-8 weeks) I could finally see light at the end of the tunnel.
My second holiday was upcoming and despite starting to feel better, I was also incredibly nervous, almost up to the point where I genuinely didn't want to go. The thought of leaving my comfort zone to go to the other side of the world was frightening. For someone who is an avid lover of travelling and sunshine, this is just another example of what depression can do to you. However, I fought through it again, and went on to have one of the best holidays of my life, visiting places that some people may never be lucky enough to see. It was truly incredible and so much better than my previous holiday disaster, several weeks earlier. I was getting better and it felt good. But I still had to return home....
I decided to use the newfound spring in my step to further better myself. My doctor had strongly advised that I needed to leave my current workplace and so upon arriving back home, through the help of my mother and a family friend, I managed to secure a new, part time job just ten minutes from my house. I had to wait two weeks to start and although it was nothing glamorous, I saw it as a positive step forward. I resigned from my current job and looked forward to a new start.
Although incredibly nervous at the start ( I had been out of work for over three months) I can honestly say the change was the best thing I ever done. Working in a new job, with new challenges and meeting new people was amazing and immediately removed the monotony of what my life had been like before. It was refreshing and I could get up in the mornings looking forward to the day ahead instead of dreading it. I worked throughout the month of December and went on to have an enjoyable Christmas and New Year with those closest to me. It had been a tough year, without question, but I was still here and 2015 could only be better.
I visited my doctor again and she was delighted with the progress. I was very much on the right track although she said there was no way I could simplystop taking the tablets, given the considerable amount of time I had been ill for. I was prescribed with several more and told to report back in March/April, or beforehand if my condition deteriorated again. The doctor who I'd been assigned with was only working maternity cover at the practice and I was unlikely to see her again. I can honestly say she was amazing though, such a good listener and never judgemental about my condition. You could say she saved my life in a way.
As the months passed, I started to get better and better. I continued working and by February my hours had increased to full time. I tried to widen my social life, at the same time cutting out any of those who I believed to be a negative influence. I went away on two weekend trips also. I was really starting to feel better about myself and what little confidence I'd had before was growing. Self doubts are something that have plagued me my whole life and are still a constant battle, even to this day. The 'glass half empty' mentality has always overshadowed my existence and put things in a negative light. For example, you could put me in a room with ten girls and nine of them might say I was good looking. However, I would be solely focused on the one who said I wasn't and wracking my brains with thoughts like “why does she think I'm ugly?”. A ridiculous concept but absolutely 100% true. I'm also getting better with that though, slowly but surely.
As the Easter drew to a close, I felt that I no longer required the tablets to make me happy and booked an appointment to go back to the doctors in May. I was nervously excited as I hoped to be told that I could come off my medication, while at the same time cautious about the whole situation. I needn't have worried as the young doctor was excellent and put me at ease. He believed I had made a full recovery and that no further subscription was needed. I walked out that day with the biggest smile and a lump in my throat. Monday 18th May 2015 will be hopefully be remembered forever.
So that is my story.
I've come from being on the verge of ending my life to living it to the full and cherishing every day and moment. It scares me now when I think back to how dark those times were but they are (touch wood) gone forever. I survived and I hope I can help others do the same. I'm going to use the last part of this page to give my advice to anyone who feels they could be suffering from depression.
Depression is a truly evil and horrible illness and very much real. It cannot be seen by others but it is very much there and is just as bad as any visible scars or injuries. If anyone out there is reading my page and seeing similarities with themselves then I strongly suggest you speak to someone as soon as you can, be it your parents, a friend, a doctor or anyone you feel comfortable enough to open up to. You will not be judged, or laughed at, you will be taken seriously and the help is there. I bottled things up for way too long and told people I was fine when I wasn't. Sometimes its just the easy thing to do ( say that you're ok) but you are never going to beat something unless you face it. If you are unhappy with where you are then a change can make all the difference, be it a job, a relationship or anything. Try to do different things and meet different people, all the while trying to stay as active as you can. There will undoubtedly be tough times but there is always that chink of light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how bad things may seem. As respectful as I am of everyone's opinions and beliefs, I am not a religious or spiritual person at all. Life is very short and I genuinely believe we are only here one time and one time only. That's why its so important to enjoy it and live it to the full and mental illness will never allow you to do the things you want to do. But if you are suffering then you can beat it, I promise. I am living proof of that. Nothing would make me more happier than someone coming to me in a few weeks, months or even years time and tell me that by reading my page, I helped turn their life around.
Wish everyone all the love in the world and thank you so much for reading.
Ryan Chalmers xxx
Rapido, Broughton Street
